A letter to my unborn child

Dear Baby,

I tell the world I don't think of you yet, but the truth is I do. I think about you a lot.

I tell the world I don't want you yet, but the truth is I do. I can't wait to have you.

But I worry baby.

I worry this world will be hard on you.

I worry you might not love the life I give you.

I worry you could one day watch your dreams burn.

I worry you would one day be misunderstood, misjudged and mistreated.

But most of all,

I worry I'm not ready for you.

Because I have lived long enough to know, baby, that life is never what you want it to be; that your dreams will mostly wake you up in the morning but also keep you up at night, and that there are enough wars and crimes and injustice and pollution and ugliness in this world to make me hate it, but I haven't lived long enough to know how to make any of it better. So why offer what I hate to you, baby?

I still don't know you. I don't know your name, I don't know how you will look like, how you will think, what you will love and what you will hate, but whenever I think of seeing you hurt my heart sinks. Does that even make sense, baby?

Look at me baby, asking you questions when I should be the one providing answers. Do you see what I mean?

Your father injects me with love for life every day. But I was lucky to find your father, baby. What if you don't find someone as good as him to wake up to for the rest of your life? Because at the end of the day baby, you will only be under our wings for a brief moment; before you go out and spread your own wings.

When you go out on your own, baby. What if you don't like the view from the top?

What if you reach a place where you don't know how to fly further anymore?

What if I wasn't able to help you?

But also baby,

sometimes you will wake up to the smell of coffee,

sometimes you will get goosebumps from your favourite book, movie or song,

sometimes you will laugh until your stomach hurts,

sometimes you will be fascinated by the sunset,

sometimes you will get to know beautiful people,

sometimes you will dance to the sound of trees in the wind,

sometimes you will make your own dreams come true,

sometimes baby,

you will be happy.

So hang in there, baby,

hang in there until the world gets a little better,

hang in there until I prepare myself to hold you tight and make you feel like it is better even when it's not,

because I know I will never give you a perfect life,

I know it's selfish,

but hang in there until I convince myself that that's okay.

With all my love,

Mom

What is Perfect?

As posted our wedding video on Instagram it got so much love. I thought people were going to love the venue, the decorations, the movie production, the dress code, I thought people were going to love so much. But what the people actually loved and commented on was us; as a couple, and that came to me as a surprise. But then I thought there is some sense in that, the love we have between us is not something commonly seen, people call it perfect, but what is perfect, really?

I worry. I worry about how we only reflect the happy and that young people out there think that that's all there is. So here is the truth for you:

The perfect partner is not out there waiting for you. The perfect partner is not love at first sight or butterflies in your belly. The perfect partner does not exist. All you have to do is to find someone to love perfectly, to give your all and not demand anything back, to always keep as your number one priority. Love can never be perfect unless you try your very best to see it that way. But there is always going to be arguments, there is always going to be fights, there is always going to be things you hate, things that get on your nerves and things that drive you crazy, but that's just how humans are. It is only when you realise that that you can be perfect partners, accepting the imperfections makes it perfect.

I love my husband endlessly because the day I chose to love him I made a promise to myself to try as much as I can to be a blessing in his life and not someone that weighs him down, not someone he has to constantly try to please, not expect him to be perfect. The day I chose to love him and he chose to love me back we promised each other that whatever happens leaving is never ever going to be an option. Sometimes we wake up in the morning not feeling like love and that is okay, sometimes one person is super excited about one thing and the other doesn't get it and that is okay, sometimes we hurt each other and do not feel like apologising and that is also okay.

So please, do not look for perfect. Look for someone you can love through the thick and thin, and that should be your perfect partner.

Our Wedding

I just started writing and I can already tell this is going to be a loong post, ideas and thoughts are racing through my mind can I can't wait to get everything in there out here. So if you are not interested in my babbling, by all means, scroll down to the photos, they're down there, I know the majority of you are here for them.

It started with Jad and I not wanting a wedding.

We hated the idea of so many people whom we know and we dont dressing up in their fanciest clothes and jewellery and coming over to answer a social calling of just another wedding where they arrive at the venue and sit with the same people they always see on a table where they can only hear the person right next to them as the bride and groom take 2 hours to enter the ballroom, and when they do they dance a little and then everyone eats and goes home with aching ears and aching feet. Don't get me wrong or think I am offending anyone.

There is nothing wrong with weddings like that if you are that type of person but we weren't. And we refused to fall into this hole of norm and not get to actually be full of joy on our "big day".

We wanted a pure celebration full of authenticity and love, something that is as real as the relationship that ties us together, and from that day forward, forever will.

I went home one day and opened my wedding pinterest board "we all have that don't lie" and I looked at all the ideas I have been saving for years and I thought: No. The norm is not going to stop me from creating my dream wedding.

We set a date "more like a deadline" and we decided on the venue, and all of a sudden we are really actually getting married soon. Everything from here on out, almost until this moment when I am sitting here in quarantine on the 30th day, started to become a marathon. We needed to find a house, to prepare the wedding; get a wedding dress, find a wedding suit, prepare the invitation cards, write a list of invitees, prep the venue, find food suppliers, find tables and chairs and make decoration, oh wait and decide on a honeymoon destination, search for hotels and make bookings, we needed to get basic furniture and appliances and it just all started to become a never ending checklist which I laid in bed after a long day and forget to even cross off.

Simplicity.

I'd say that was our primary goal, in everything.

The Dress

I found the wedding dress of my dreams and ordered it online, I remember the face of my grandmother when she saw the packaging of the dress, it was wrapped very nicely in white paper and a cute pink ribbon and was not larger than the size of a shoe box. "What is it?" she asked looking at the package. "My wedding dress" I replied laughing knowing she will not believe me. "WHAT? A wedding dress? How does a wedding dress fit in that package??". I wanted something simple, that would allow my husband and my loved ones who were invited to the wedding to come close to me, to greet me and hug me without 2 meters of tulle getting in the way. I wanted something that was not pure white, and I wanted something the I am comfortable moving in. And it was just the perfect dress.

The Suit

Jad went to the mall and to this shop where we once saw this perfect linen olive suit that we both fell in love with. He went without me not to ruin the final look and all but that was the only time he managed to not take me so..

Anyway, the guy form the shop came over and was complementing the suit but just stopped stared and laughed when Jad told him it was his wedding suit, "if your wedding is in Thailand, maybe" he said. But we knew a regular suit in black or navy just wouldn't do it and this one was perfect.

The Venue

I fell in love with this garden the day I saw it, Jad's grandmother's house garden where currently his two uncles and cousin live, we went there for eids and family gatherings and the feel of that place you don't really get anywhere else. their house and their neighbours were the first two houses in all of Sweifeyeh, back when it was considered the middle of no where. The house dates back to the sixties and so do the memories carved inside it, which you do not know but can feel.

In the middle of the now busiest area of Amman lies this beautiful antique garden that we thought would be the perfect space for our celebration.

The Decor

We found this pastel color pallete and started working around it, creating tons of decoration without the slightest clue on where we're going to put them or how we are going to use them. But we worked anyway, ropes of ribbons, bird origamis, plant chandeliers, floral decorations, light strings, curtains, candles, anything that crossed our mind. A day before the wedding we went down with boxes of things and we started to find a place for everything, a harder task than I thought to be honest but it was finally done.

The Tables

One of the main things I really wanted this wedding to have is looong tables with people sitting as close to each pther as possible that when someone tells a story at least 8-10 people would hear. I wanted them to be tables to unite people not seperate each group of friends on a table of their own. I wanted the most simple centerpiece that would not stick out in everyone's faces blocking the view. And finally, I really really wanted wood.

My parents in law, God bless their souls, tried more than their best to get me what I wanted, they worked day and night to find solutions until we came up with the idea to make our own tables. After trying to check many table renting busnisses and being lied to and decieved by one particular person where we thought we actually found the tables we wanted. Here they are if you'd like to know who you should not be dealing with because I have never seen a more disrespectful person in my life.

My Father in law had once, long time ago, bought wood that was made for the jordan railway and was later removed as it stopped operating, he had piles of that solid dark beautiful wood that we cut to boards and put together to form the dream tables that ended up coming out to be perfect.

The Music

We wanted a different playlist, we both hate wedding songs and God is my witness the people do not want to sit their and listen to music I choose out of my own playlist. So we had this idea to send as many people that were invited to name their favourite song to us and we made a playlist from everybody's favourite song, it turned out to be quiet the playlist if you ask me. You can check it out here.

The Food

Buffet is just not us. We love food and we wanted the whole wedding to be food time. Food stations set up with live cooking all wedding long was what we aimed for and what we, al hamdullilah, was able to achieve. Salad lady's husband's aunt died the day before the wedding and she cancelled. Salmon people decided they were understaffed a day before the wedding and cancelled. Everything seemed to just fail one day before the event but my magical mother in law kept calm "on the outside at least" and fixed everthing within minutes, she found last minute subtitutes and pulled it all off and the food corner just fed everyone's desire, or at least I hope.

The Car

Louis, our Seat Leon, is a car that has been with us through so much as a couple. We laughed and cried and fought and sang and drove in that car for hours. Nothing would have convinced me to choose another car to be our wedding car. We didn't want something fancy or that has a bed of roses. We wanted a car who I consider a friend and that held so much meaning.

The Dresscode

We asked everyone to wear flats "preferably sneakers" and something really comfy, we also tried to tell them to wear that outift they think is awesome but do not find the right occasion for. We wanted a group of people who actually invested time into their outfit and who come feeling really really good about themselves.

The Dance

Jad dances, I don't. We did not want a dance floor, people could dance where they were standing, on the table, between tables, whatever, as long as it is authentic and not a bunch of sweaty people dancing to very loud music inside a 4*4 lit up square.

Circassian dance was a must for us though. I spent months training as I am new to the whole thing, but we really wanted a slow dance solo with piano playing instead of pshina and for it to be this peaceful moment and our great Ahmad Ai could manage to make that work.

After that I believe we had a lovely little circassian jaug with people dancing with all of their heart, people dancing for the first time, people who don't even know what dance is trying it out, and of course the best dancers in all of Jordan which happen to be our group of friends blowing people's brains off. A beautiful mix to portray our beautiful culture on a breautiful night.

The Sad Part

My two closest cousins couldn't be there, many of my other cousins as well, two of my best friends could not make it and that is just a pain in my heart every time I think about it and it is the only thing I wish I could go back and change. To all of you, wish you were here.

My Jeddo, I always imagined this day with you by my side, I always wanted you to be the one to walk me in to that room full of people as I call my parent's house my house for the last time. I wanted to see your joy and hug you as tight as I could. May your soul rest in peace.

A Thank You

My mother and father in law, I can never ever thank you enough for all of the effort and sleepless nights. You have made that day as special as it could possibly be.

My family, you were there through it all working hard to make it work and I cannot thank you enough.

My friends, we took out a good bunch of your free time and made you go through human labor and you were only happy to help every step of the way.

Everyone who came, all of you there made the night what it was and I am grateful for every single person.

Closure

I don't know. I think I covered it all.

Through all of this, my hope and only hope is to change the idea of weddings in our culture. Let you know it is okay to step out and do something that makes you happy. If the norm is what makes you happy do that too. But be sure that you will remember this day, and I hope you can make the memory a good one.

Sources

Dress

Make-up

Photographer (he does not shoot weddings, only came because he's a friend. Please do not contact him with inquiries)

Videographer (will be sharing the video soon in a seperate post)

For anything else do not hesitate to ask.