I've befriended heartbreak

Kinda only come here to vent. Sorry not sorry.

It's ironic how what breaks my heart is how I've befriended heartbreak.

I've befriended heartbreak. It's always there but I learned to look through it like it's an invisible vessel and through it I see the sun rise every new day like it knows nothing about this heartbreak. Sometimes I hate the sun for that; some other times I am thankful.

I got so used to feeling like my ribs are too tight around my lungs, making breathing only half as good as I remember it being, like the muscles of my lungs are constantly sore form trying to make room. But when I think about it, I got used to that too.

My meditation is believing this will get better, but even some days I am not so sure. Some other days how ever the sun shines in my face as I open my eyes to face yet another day and I am thankful for all of the warm hugs it gives me and how it promises that things will be okay. I believe in the creator of the sun and that He is never letting me or the people dear to me down, unless being let down is actually what is the best for us. And I know that for now I cannot see a way out of this rot, but I know He is capable of the impossible, and the impossible is what I need.

xx.

Eulogy

Hi friend,

I remember the first time I thought 'oh yeah, we could be friends'. It was sometime in 2009 when your father came to visit my father during Eid, and you were all with him. My dad, thinking I'm still a five year old, called out to me to come sit with you because you were my age and we were at the same school. We were never friends at school and looking at us then you would know why; I came in to you in a dress, blonde hair down, looking as cute as ever, and there I was with my black jeans, skeleton shirt, black and grey tie and studded chucks. We awkwardly said hello and awkwardly sat through the visit, but that was the day I realised, for whatever reason, we could become friends.

And then we graduated together from school, we moved right next to your house, we went to universities that shared the same amenities. We rode to uni together, spent our breaks together, went home together, spent the rest of the day together. We had a 10PM shared curfew that would not apply if we were at each other's places. I remember your mum sending you the clock emoji and you'd send he you're at my place and that would be the only thing that would give you a pass because were 2 mins walking distance, and so vice-versa.

I'm not going to be hypocrite and pretend like I was the most important person in your life or you were in mine, just because you now have passed. But I'm sure you knew of the special place you hold in my heart and I am sure of that place of me in yours.

When we gradually stopped being as close of friends as before I remember the most annoying question I used to get from people was: where is Tala? We were inseparable and me without you was a scene people around me where not used to seeing. It would annoy me because they made it sound like we're dependent on one another to exist and I wanted to prove that wrong.

I'm not sorry we had a fallout, happens to everyone, I'm not going to apologize about it now that you're gone, because I had years of chances to bring us back to where we were but we both had new lives, lives that we loved, new people we became inseparable from, and that was okay.

From there on out, you were always the friend I could spend months without sending a single message to or without seeing for a day, but when I actually did, when we actually hung out or texted it would be like we do so everyday.

So I am not sorry for the fallout, because it did not mean we were the best of friends anymore but it meant we had something more unique,

I am sorry though,

I'm sorry for two things,

One, I'm sorry I did not take you to Prague when you came to visit me in Germany. You really wanted to go and I didn't take you. I kept telling myself it's outside of Germany, I wouldn't have connection, I would have to exchange my currency, I'm broke and can barely afford a little tour. When the truth is, I thought you had your whole life in front of you, and I thought you would get another chance of going to Prague. Such a romantic, beautiful city, you ought to go there with someone you're closer with, someone you can enjoy the city with more. I'm sorry I didn't take you to Prague.

Two, I went through your engagement photos I took to find a picture to upload with a rest in peace note, because I was getting messages of people asking me how sure I am of the message I put out about your passing and people thought I mixed up between you and someone else so I needed a picture. I looked through the pictures and I am sorry because they are not my best work. I keep telling myself it was dark, we only had one light source, photos with flash are not as great, it was short and I didn't have the time. When the truth is, no way in hell would I have thought this would be your last celebration.

If I knew you were going this soon I would have made much more effort, not to keep our friendship as tough as it was in 2012, just to try and make you happy. Try and carve those memories with you into stone as we ended up having so little.

Thank you, friend,

For all the times you stood by me, for all the times you made me laugh, for all the times you sung to me with your squeeky voice, thank you for all the memories.

I will never forget the deep conversations we'd have in our secret place with a beautiful view in our neighbourhood, I passed by there yesterday and there was a bunch of guys hanging out in the back of their cars, they would never know how much that place means to me.

I will never forget the feeling when I got a text from you saying 'check our spot' and I'd run out to find sweets in a place we both got used to leaving each other treats in, I walked by the spot at your house yesterday and no one would ever know how much that certain area means to me.

I will never forget the times we used to sing out and gossip in your room, and you'd get mad when your brother intrudes and we start talking about photography and cameras and you'd wave at us to stop because I was there to see you, I passed by the closed door of your room yesterday and it felt so heavy.

It all feels so heavy, Friend. No one saw this coming and we all wish we had, maybe we all would have made better use of the very little time you spent on this earth.

Good bye, friend. We've been praying for God and the angels to keep you company until we meet you again in heaven.

I love you, friend. Always have and forever will.

Thoughts on Turning 27

As a child I used to consider the number 27 is when someone becomes an adult.

I used to look at people aged 27 and think, how do they still fit in this small world I live in? I used to think they must have everything figured out. You'd never worry when you are with a 27 year old person cause no matter what drops on you they can bring you out of it. Even if you're lost somewhere in the woods they'd still find a way out without a single worry on their faces.

27 was an age of giants.

27 felt like a lifetime away.

27 was exciting, I wished I could be 27.

Now that I am here I realise that even when I look at an 85 year old man with white hairs and a white beard, a limp in his walk and a crack in his voice I know he still hasen't figured out shit. I grew up to know that this world is bigger than everybody, and no matter how long you spend in it you will never ever have it figured out, you would always be that little girl in the woods with faith that someone somewhere will find a way out for you, until then you wander.

Here I am, on my 27th anniversary with life, upon an earth that loves its inhabitants and they give no fuck about it, upon people who would sell the kind bit of their soul for power, upon a world ruled by conspiracy theories and uncertainty, through a time of war, illness and hate. I stand here in the middle of it all, and can't help but think what good am I here? what difference do I make?

I woke up this morning hoping I would get dressed and go to work where I do something that I love without having to pick up a mask on my way out, hoping I would drive my car through the spark of the morning sun, knowing the world is okay, my family is okay, my friends are okay. But none of that is true. The world is still the ugly place I slept in yesterday, and celebrating today is honestly just cheers to myself for surviving through the world this far, and cheers to all the family and friends who helped me through it.

But since a birthday is a milestone, I want to set new goals. This year, I want to show my emotions more, I want to look after myself more, I want to learn to let go more, I want to learn to grow more, I want to put my family and friends first more, I want to chase after my own dreams, or at least try to.

Here's to another year with life, hope it goes well.